Good Music

I bought a new CD, it is all swing and big band jazz, and driving along witht the windows down, the radio cranked and the sound of a really good bass can really cheer up the downhearted, I am spending money like a drunken Sailor, last week a new pair of pants, now new boots, wow, next thing you know I will start to buy food, and a chair to sit in, or God forbid a desk to sit at while I type. I don't think I really have to worry about that, I am way too cheap when it comes to creature comforts to do anything so brash. I do wish you all a good day, and as the assembly stands to leave, the listener realizes they are all alone in an empty audtorium, standing on the 3rd floor looking down upon an empty stage, The musical over, and now just the dust of former memories floating down through the air...

another day

So today as I drove to church with a heavy heart, beautiful sunshine outside, it started raining out, not everywhere it seems, just where I was, it was funny as a song come on the radio about teardrops at the same time, but the rain followed me almost all the way to Eau Claire, and as this day happens to mean alot to me for personal reasons, it was too much for me, I rolled the window down, and let the rain pour in on me, by Osseo, the rain was getting my shirt wet, and I was trying to pray as I drove, but all I could think of was, "Dear Heavenly Father thank you for this day", That was all I could get out, and on I drove, I tried a few times to think of something to be thankful for, but nothing else would come but the day, so I repeated it. The man from the Gideons was at church today, and I learned to read on a gideon bible, it was interesting to me, I gave my little New Testament to a friend almost 20 years ago, and they buried it with him when he died. I made the phone call I was worried about this afternoon, and found out the answer I figured I would find, which is very good. Tuesday I get to go to court, as my Ex-wife is suing me for still breathing, she did her best, but I still defy her best intentions, and do it repeatedly with fervor as much as I can. I do wish you all a good day, and a good week, this week has been the hardest week I have had in almost 5 years, and I thank those of you I have leaned on for support, even though I didn't let you know I was having trouble standing. Let us just say the Rat's are loudest when they are close to breaking out, but I am thinking they are stuck back where they are deprived of light and sound again, dare I to feel, for such is without callous and in want of pain, we all must stumble on with thanksgiving, Amen

Even More words on a page

It is funny to me to watch the way people misunderstand my intentions. I tend so often to keep my thoughts to myself, and now to you, my reader, having to set aside myself so often in what I am wanting, kind of an oxymoron to consider, though letting my thoughts be known can be a precarious situation, yet I feel to be myself, I must do so in all aspects of me, and as writing is an important aspect of me, these words I write. So, as it were, here I am, I search yet for many things, for one who loves me, and who, a smile I can bring. I look for a friend who by my side in time, our children we can teach, edification we can bring. I would love to walk upon those hills of life, her hand along the way, pushing and pulling each other, in case we lose our way. the future comes too quick sometimes, yet time is just a measurement of days, to seperate tomorrow from the past and from today. I meet such interesting people, some I have known all along. Though as they get to know the real me, surprise in them I see. Is this shock a plus or minus, what do they wonder about me? So time is what I'll give them and the truth in time we'll see. Knowing that the me I am, the me I am today, the same me I was ten years ago, but now red is speckled with gray.

There are times when being a nice person really sucks, myself being just a normal guy, fairly easy to get along with, just being me. Am I so difficult to approach, so hard to deal with, that no-one thinks I am worth their time to talk things through with? Choosing to put me in a boxas to what they think my intentions are, or what they would do in my place, Well as you can see by my size, I don't fit into any such box. So I wish people would ask me what I am thinking, what I desire or my ideas, before they tell other people what they think I am doing. I enjoy watching my friends be happy, from Naomi with her kid's, to Reuben running wild. I enjoy watching people smile, it is my entertainment in this stressful life I lead. It seems that to be a nice person is looked down upon any more. Getting personally run through the meat grinder of misunderstanding and people getting hurt from miscommunication, I do wish for peace and friendship...

More Words on a Page

Sand beneath her bare feet, soft breeze blows her hair, I keep thinking her hand will release mine, but still gentle it remains there, no leader in this dance, as we walk toward greener grass. I am glad she guides me at times, when I am in a trance, in her eye's the sun does glitter, her smile so full of of charm, I trust this woman with my heart, and to it will come no harm...

An odd silence

Those of you who know me well, know how much I dislike my apartment, and how I complain all the time about being able to hear everything my neighbors do. Well, last weekend, my next door neighbors were fighting, it is a divorced woman and her, maybe 17 or 18 year old daughter. They fight and scream all the time, call each other names I wouldn't even say, and generally are terrible neighbors, last friday night, I got home about dark noon, and they were fighting, one of them got thrown against the wall pretty hard, and the screaming stopped, but I heard them moving around before I went to bed, well, since then, there has not been a single sound from them, I thought maybe they were getting along, but tonight i noticed, that their car hasn't moved either, and there is some food on the dash of the car that is starting to mold, and I can smell it rotting when walk by the car, the only sound from their apartmen has been the bathroom exhaust fan has been on since friday night. For some silly reason, I am thinking there will be a peculiar smell coming from next door pretty soon, and I am not looking forward to it, I have never liked that smell, and I am hoping they took a sudden vacation, you think I would know about it, because I can hear every conversation plain as day when they talk, this apartment sucks. I don't know what is worse, the yelling at all hours of the night, or the idea that there may be a bad smell coming from there soon.

My Shadow

The odd encounter with a stranger this past saturday afternoon has made a bit of a decision for me. Many years ago, I had a similiar situation that really affected me, so back we go, way back, back a couple of decades and then some. I was born in the town of Eagle River WI., though we lived outside a town called Phelps, as I search for some sort of roots in my life, I find myself going back to the beginning. My mom ran a cafe called, the phelps cafe, and my dad built houses for a man named John Volkman. My mom was pregnat with me about the same time as Judy Volkman, John's wife, and the Volkman's had a daughter named Jessica. We moved back south shortly after I was born, and on the few times we would go up camping, or to visit, I would hang out with Jessica. On the last time camping trip we took there, it would have been 1981, we spent much of a day at a rodeo and parade over in Michigan, as it was a short distance from Phelps. it started to rain in the late afternoon, so Jess and I were playing hide and seek with our collective brother's. after being found numerous times in the barn by the horses we decided to hide in the farm's bunkhouse. While we hid, we were holding ahnds, and right before her brother found us, she kissed my cheeck.

Life and distance kept us from visiting the Volkman's again until I was 14, Jessica and I were out walking again, and it was like ten years had not passed, she took my hand, led me to the bunkhouse, and asked me if I remembered the last time we were there, I had of course, and she went to the exact spot, and kissed me on the cheeck again, we walked and talked, holding hands, but soon it was time to go. I have not seen or heard from the Volkman family since, but often I find myself wondering what Jess is doing, she has been my muse for many, many years, and I have decided to find her, I do hope she is happily married with a good life, but if I don't find out, I will wonder, so last night, I looked her up on the net, and I think I will call, whenever I get the nerve. I know it is just the romantic in me, but if her my shadow be, then in time we shall see...

Long Lunch

As I lay here in the sun, warm sand under me, the azure water of turquoise nips at my feet. A gentle breeze makes the water dance in the cove, as the dunes behind me make their way, grain by grain, further into the water. This is a fine place, a beautiful moment, a momentous day, living now, here in this beauty, seeing the wonders of color on the water, the blues, greens, and the slight yellows where the sand meets the water. Watching the waterbirds play on the air, their eye's open for any prey. As my lunch break is over, and back over the dunes, piles of sand really, and back toward this monstrosity we call a jobsite, I turn my thought on the water, away from beauty, but to the solution, where do I pump it to, this lake is only half built, it must be drained and finished, the irony of something so beautiful so close to such an ugly place is not lost on me, my dunes being an unfinished railroad spur, my lake, an emergency catch basin should an ammonia tank rupture. This ethanol plant such an ugly sight, such a waste of money, all the usefulness of a pet rock...

A night without armor

My idea's rejected, my thoughts denied

no armor left protect my inside

I am on an island, not alone

the island is my life, the sea, the world outside

Christ gives me all the life I need

My strength, my will, my drive

my island suits my life you see

with such a varied terrain

cold snow upon the mountains

the rain upon the plain

other islands in the distance

do I dare to travel there,

for the lagoon is filled with sharks

and the coral my heart will tear

so I sit upon the sandy shore,

look back at my island there

all I need is before me

but I search for so much more

so I gather all I need here

for the journey may be far,

store meat in God's word,

store water in a jar

we build a raft together

the new man that lives in me

we'll journey out upon the waves

and with him, the world to see

A Short History Part 9

After moving so much, I was kind of excited to move to Colfax as I knew one kid there, Since 1979 when my dad was working in this area, I would try to go with to see my friend Brent, and after we moved to Colfax, we were only 3 miles away from the Bergeson farm where he lived. After we got settled into a house about a mile north of town, we started school on halloween day, I was in the third grade, with my teacher being Mrs. Satter, After all the advanced classes I had been into in New Auburn, Colfax didn't really care about academics, they are a sports school, so I was in the third grade for all my classes, and they were teaching at about the 2nd grade level of New Auburn, So needless to say, I was bored. I spent most of my time reading in class, and had no problem being an excellent student. after getting to know the Paulus farm heifer farm we lived on, I started walking over to the Bates farm next door, John bated milked 55 Holsteins, and kept a very neat barn, he gave me a job, I was to scrape floors and feed his calves, fill the bunk with corn silage, and sweep his feed alleys every day, so I did, but it didn't take very long, so I would walk the extra half mile to the Paulus home farm, and help feed there. by the next spring, I was more often at the Paulus' then at home, I had to come home for church, and school, but I was pretty much a part of the family. Glen was very good at teaching work habit's, we each were given chores, and we had get them done, before any other thing could be done, so I fed alot of cows, I was in charge of raking hay that first summer, and most of the baling, I learned hand signals and team work, we all worked very hard, but at the end of the day, it felt good to relax, and walk in the hills. The Paulus' farmed land all over the place, as much as 6 miles away, so we drove trucks, tractors, semi's, tanker's all over the place, Glen did custom manure pit pumping, so I often got to drive the big tanker trucks, for a boy of 8, It was awesome, Glen taught me how to drive the 13 speed with out the clutch, I couldn't really reach it anyway, if I touched it with my foot, he would slug me in the arm, after a sore arm, he said I was ready for the road, and off I went. Through the summer of 86, and most of 87, I was on the farm all the time, I started chopping more, but since I was bigger than his son Grant, Glen had me had Haul wagons most of the time, and run the blower, he said he didn't want someone irresponsible running it as it was very dangerous. School was pretty boring for me, I made a few friends, but since I didn't go to any of the church's in town, I really had 1 friend in my class, Brent, we would sit and talk all through the school day. We would draw farm pictures, and talk about working with each other when we got older. Brent started running tractors very young also, as he was the oldest, and his dad milked 150 cows, and ran over 500 acres of crops, so he was handy to have around, we were very much alike, he was smarter than me, and his dad valued his opinion on things, they worked together quite a bit. I really like Duron and Marilyn Bergeson, they were really good parents. When we got into 5th grade, and I started into something called odyssey of the mind, it was extemperanious speaking, we would perform skits and do written tests at Stout University, I really enjoyed that, but in february of 1988, we moved off the Paulus place, to an old abondoned Schoolhouse about 18 miles out of town, moving this far away, it was difficult to get rides home from Odyssey of the mind, so I had to quit, I was only allowed to go to Paulus' on the weekends, so I walked over to the Orland and Carol Lee farm up the valley from our new house. Orland was in his 60's, and milked 24 guernsey's in his little barn. He let me feed his beef cows, and haul silage to his milk cow's, but never let me drive his tractor's. My fifth grade teacher was Mrs. Stearns, she was a friend of the Paulus family, so we got along swimmingly, When I broke my arm and couldn't write, she had Brent do my writing for me, so we could sit and talk all day long, we helped each other out with classes, and were both A students, He had a girlfriend, her name was Jenteny Gunderson, She was a beautiful girl, her mother was from Thailand, and is still a very beautiful woman. One friday in april, I saw Brent yell at Jenteny during recess, and I called him on it, I told him not to yell at women, it wasn't right, he told me shut up, he had had a fight with his mom, she kept him from milking that morning, and he was mad about it, so he was taking it out on his girlfriend. I told him that if he was gonna yell at women, and swear around them, then I wasn't gonna be his friend anymore. A simple fight you know. That saturday, I was at the Dave and Arliss Larson farm, trying to train a heifer to lead on halter, after many hours of dragging, Kari, the holstein heifer, was leading quite well, so I gave her a break, and was helping Dave get his corn planter ready. The Larson farm was next to the Bergeson farm, and we could see a manure spreader making it's way across the fields. We heard a siren later, but didn't think too much of until Arliss came in and told us that one of the Bergeson Brat's had been run over. Brent died on a beautiful April day, he was showing a new hired hand how to run the manure spreader, as it had some problems, when he fell off the tractor, The hired hand, Doug Hanson, a 15 year old, wasn't able to stop in time, and Brent got stuck between the dual on the spreader. Duron told me he died in his arm's, he said I'm sorry dad, and just died. After the funeral, The neighboring farmer's all got together to get the crop's in at Bergeson's, since I was just 11, they would not allow me to help. It was for grown-ups only, Glen Paulus rented a farm next door the Duron's place, and let me use his biggest tractor for the first time that day, he helped me hook up the disk and told me do the whole farm, it took me almost 2 days, when I got tired, Glen's rule was to shut down, and sleep under the tractor, Glen brought me food twice a day, and let me just work, I planted the corn on that farm too, I could see the Bergeosn fields, and all the people working allover, people asked Glen why he didn't bring his biggest ractor, some people thought he was just not enough of a neighbor for not stoppig his field work to help out, they didn't know he did it for me. Duron sent me a letter, which I still have, he thanked me for singing at the funeral, and told me how much I was like his son, he told me how much he was gonna miss having the little big guy around, Duron and Marilyn still to this day don't speak to each other. Marilyn never apogized for not letting Brent milk, and I never told him I would be his friend again, last time I saw her, which was last year, I gave her a big hug, and she just cried and cried, she asid she so much of Brent in the way I am. Still 19 years later, April is a very hard month for me, I was at his gravestone last week, it was snowing, and I brought some flower's there, I hadn't been able to go there for ten years, when we buried him, his little brother cole, who was 5 kept saying he wanted to go with Brenty, I made sure he will one night a few years ago, It is odd that after all those years, I just told my mom about that fight I had with him, just last week in fact, I wish I would have realized years ago, that I need to share the things that hurt me, let it go, it really makes life easier... ther is so much more I could say about that time, but I am having a hard time, so I will stop. I got a terrible sunburnm today, I hope nobody minds thatI write this, abye for now

Tired, WOW< Tired

I knew I was kind of worn, but as I got off early from work yesterday, I had resolved myself to write about the hardest time in my life, I got home before 6, kicked off my boots, fired up the old computation device, and closed my eyes to pray for a moment. I woke up at 3:50 this morning, with my clothes still on, sitting on the only chair I have in this hovel, My cold coffee, just a little bitter, I guess I will have to write it tonight, so much to do, and so little time, yet I slept away a whole night, not completing one of the things I have been worrying about for a few weeks, So fresh and shiny from the shower, clean clothes all folded and ready to install on this old wracked body of mine, I am off to start as new building project, one of my own design, and the state even said my drainage plan was approved, so we build it. I wish you all a good day, and as i watch the sun come up today, my mind does wander to many things, but with Sara Evans cranked to 11 I will listen away, screaming my head off over the radio, window down, cruise set at a comfortable 68 to conserve fuel, I like the sail Idea, but with modern roads, I don't think tacking will do, the sail-less, "I.E. Jealous" driver's wouldn't know what to do with the sudden turn about to catch the new breeze. So once more onto the breach my brethren, once more...

What I search for.

As this time of discovery slows down to the normal rtythm of life and love, we settle into this everyday love, though new discoveries come out of the closets everyday, we have no reason to scream and worry the nights away. When the sun comes over those trees on this new day, knowing that in this place is not only where I will stay, but where I belong. In all the years I have wandered this earth, never at home always on the roam and alone. When I walk through that door, knowing why and who for, with the door still open and my love in my arms, I finally understand home and the love that grows within the intertwined heart.


I think tomorrow night I will write a brief history part 9, it is a little longer, and very sad, It explains why I am the way I am.

The heart

In my journey's through the world, most of my time being alone, I get time to watch people. Since I have never really been much of a people person, not a lover of big crowds, I get alot of insight on things. I am amazed every day by the heart, not only is it one of the most important parts of our body, But the human in general being created as to the awe of the Angels, Total free will, do what we want, for if we were any other way, then salvation could not be a gift. But I am amazed at how deeply the heart can feel, how we care for other's, how heartaches can hurt us, how when you really care for someone, you always want what is best for them, even if it is them not being with you. I have held people in my arms, as they were dying, Friends and strangers, and seen the fear in the eye's of the unsaved, and the peace of the believer. The last words were very different. The first time I delivered a baby, was so sudden, it was all hectic, and yelling, and screaming, and the traffic was right there, But the second one, The world was silent, out on the Kansas prairie, the mother has slid her van off the road in a terrible ice storm, and while I held her hand, we watched the ambulance get to where we could see the lights through the falling snow, and then watched as it flipped over in the ditch, That was when I knew all the calves I had delivered were for a reason, So through the work of delivery, and the tears, and I held her hand, and talked to her, and did all I could to help, but when I laid that little boy on her chest, wrapped up in my sweatshirt, the look in her eye was amazing, She held my hand tight, and thanked me, and said, welcome to the world little Jim. I am crying just thinking about it. But the power of the heart, the way we can love, the way we can choose to live, Free will, for if there were any other will involved, God's included, His gift of salvation, would not be a gift. His will is very clear in his word, Live as christians. The heart accepts faults, overlooks flaws, gives us patience, and lets us fully love Christ as he is our father, The head of the body, The mind we should be using to live, but he does not control our will, we have a choice as to how we are going to live, with his heart, The heart that loves us all so much that he died for us, he died as us, he lived for us, he lives in us. Christ used the greatest trick to get satan, He let them Kill him, so we could all be saved, He let the little flock go through so many small tribulations, to have them offer us salvation in the most precious way, By his own blood, He sacrificed himself, by their own religious system, the blood atoned for all of us, all we have to do is make that simple choice, Believe. The heart is an amazing thing...

Something for a friend.

As the rain pours down through the leaves outside, I see the leaves in a different light, not just as the fauna we know them as, but as a picture of our past and the rain as our present day experiences, we tend to filter every little drop of life, though the past, scattering the knowledge of today, all around, thinning it right down, till only the smallest bits of today actually stick on your memory. Soaking to the roots and nourishing this tree through the future. Though we all have some leaves, some denser than others, let us pray that our leaves never fall. With time and wind, age takes some memories, as with leaves never quite developed, fall easily with any storm or cold snap. Some memories, even when the tree is dying and the bark is peeling, will look fresh as a may day, these memories are the ones that changed your life; your first love, a friends death, the love of your mother, your first heartache, love lost to never be found, the day you got saved, your children being born, your parents dying, your first kiss, your first big raise at work. There are so many leaves by the time you get old, that the tree starts to lose branches, and finally, leafless and rotted, falls to the ground, to become part of the earth. The really big tradgedy is when a tree is taken in the prime of it's life, Branches full of healthy leaves gets taken in a storm, or gets attacked by some disease to be brought down to the ground, a slow painful death that just breaks the heart of all who love them, even those who walk by every day and see the leaves falling in the summer.

Yes,

I am sooooooo happy, I have been looking for a notebook for almost 6 months, it has some very good, and some verrry bad writing in it, but is has my novel's last page, and all the story notes I need to keep writing, I ws afraid it was lost, but it is here, so here is a few snippit's of old lines.



8-29-05

Wind, weather, and time seem to show their power on my face, with each scrape of the razor, I feel the scars of time, but the most distinct sign of time it seems is the distance in my eye's, the stare I give myself in the mirror, it seems I don't recognize the guy I see sometimes. I wake in the mornings and see cuts I don't remember getting, waking in my truck, not knowing where I am, always searching for myself. The soap opera that is my life, living in an uncertain scene, waiting for direction as to what this should mean, I watch the other characters ad-lib, and this voice in my head keeps screaming, "CUT, CUT, CUT YOU IDIOTS!" It seems like I am not in control, just setting up the lights and doing the make-up.

The sky is blue

Can the clouds even know, as I stare at them this day, the questions that I have, the things I want to say. The clouds are in this picture, but only in the way, the answer to all questions. "The sky is blue today", no matter what you ask me, the answer is still the same, as my mind is quickly spinning, my mouth it keeps on grinning. When asked why about the smile, the same reply as everything, not an answer to the hue, and the asker not a clue, but the answer still the same. "The Sky is Blue". Thanks...

Riddle

I wrote this at work, and realized, it is 3 pieces together, but can be read 4 different ways, different lines here and there, but the meanings are all the same, kind of.

My kingdom gone, my queen is dead

can't stop the images in my head

of time I know, watch seasons flow

but snow is falling on a spring day

where did the rythm of time go

april should be in the fields

beg the ground, produce more yields

April showers, this we know

but snow this deep, it's time to sow

Answer's given, when we need to know

so onto tomorrow, it's where we go

how much of me can they demand,

they count every little grain of sand

what is the balance of my hourglass

is this more than a game of chance

around the floor, we all do dance

forbid to even share a glance

so dizzy as to forget the chance

seasons come and seasons go

fall is come, reap what we sow

once again give up a dream

give it to another,

this one I love, give it to my brother

so many years in time we wait

your dreams you give away

you plan, you dream

so dark the con of man, we find

the woman knowing, still adam did tempt

of so many things we find

are still to be found this way.

the rats they scurry beneath the surface

shallow on these darkended days

you hear them running in your mind

you feel the headache start to come

you watch the door, the latch is sprung

of rosy flesh and seeded womb,

man did eat the fruit of death

that bite it was his doom

so wondering mind and wandering heart

keep words alive within my heart

but keep them there, not time to share

keeping them safer from the start

so many irons within the fire

the fires heat is drawn

so stand beside it, rub your hands

the fire colder than the dawn

accused of so many things

of stolen hearts and evil things.

not asked am I, but told in fact

to what I may to do, so a friend I lost

at such a cost, when the trump does sound

and homeward bound, no longer a stranger here

I'll ask those questions, I wanted to know

and in heaven as friends we'll speak

so it goes as time will tell, if the mind and

heart will speak, but to that day

wait of some and with friendship, heart I keep.

I hope it is not to confusing, if you read it correctly, it is really cool, I hope nobody takes it wrong, I am always being misunderstood.

In case you were wondering

Rained out from work, I figured why not more useless information. Most of my life, I have been a moral, upstanding citizen, Saved at a young age, I have lived a pretty easy life. In the summer of 2001 within a 2 week period, through events of which I was not to be at fault in, I killed 6 people, Driving is a dangerous thing. These deathes put a pretty big cloud over my head, I tried to bring it my burden to church, but with the influx of so many new people at that time, and the wheat still being seperated from the chaff, It was a difficult time to get time with the elder's. So getting more and more depressed, I left the church and started going to a renegade lutheran church, Though through much discussion with it's pastor, who now has a clear understanding of grace. I found not an ear to trust. I drifted deeper, I drove 85000 miles in 4 months, worked until I was sick, lost weight, alot of weight. I began to be afraid of being alone, so on the way home one night, I stopped into a gas station in town, and there happened to be a single girl there. A hometown girl, one who knew everybody, so I asked her out. She gave me her already written down phone number which she kept ready for just such occasions. Although still working very hard, I was getting very sick, I was starting to get dizzy, nausea all the time, and a killer headache. I was pretty sure I was dying. She started talking about marriage, and I thought, She doesn't want to have kids, So whose life would I be wrecking, Mine wasn't worth much at the time, so why not, So we got engaged. The hallucinations started getting really bad, as my body started shutting down, I took a vacation to relax. I was so ill, and my fiance' was such a miserable person as a companion on a trip, that I drove the whole vacation as if in a marathon, 3 days to the redwoods, and then straight to Seattle, and back home. It was all I could stand of her, the last day, I drove home from Laurel, Montana, Straight through. Back to work, I probably would have died at work, but my Uncle Dick died, and I came home for a few days, his death probably kept me alive. When I eventually gave up, I was in Detroit, and it took me a whole day to drive to Gary IN., Then another whole day to get to Madison, after 3 days, I pulled into my driveway, and fell out of the truck. I probably would have died on the ground in the driveway, but since Amanda hadn't heard from me in a few days, she came over to see if I was home, after nearly running me over, she rushed me to the ER, the convulsions and throwing up was so bad, I couldn't see very well, she got lost on the way to the hospital, and it took us 2 hours to get to Luther. I was so sick, they couldn't tell what was wrong with me, so they gave me apinkillers and sent me home. Then next day, my veins were starting to itch so badly from the toxins in my blood, that I was uncontrollably scratching my legs on things, even in my sleep. Amanda stayed with me to watch me, that night, at the ER again, they did a spinal tap to see if I had severe menangitis, negative, so a new painkiller, and back home again. The next day, in urgent care at a new hospital, The doctor just looked at me and said, you have mono, and so I did. After taking half the time off I was told too, I started milking cows at a farm a few mile from home, Just 50 hours a week to start, so it wasn't bad. Amanda moved in one day while I was at work, her mom helped her, though I was unhappy about it, I didn't say anything. After starting to work constuction in the cities, and working closer to 80 hours again, I started to find my rythm, but the big problem was what do I do with this woman I was engaged to. So I just let it go on, and in november of 2004 we got married, boy that was pleasant day, with her off getting drunk with her friends, it was nice to see my family though, She hadn't sent out the invitation to my friends, so none of them got invited. She had a few mental isssues, let's just say, she would lock herself in a room and cry for days, not the most pleasant situation, but I was always trying to be a good husband, I did most of the housework, and worked alot, I started working closer to home, so I was able to pick-up night and weekend work too. She was always trying to get me to work more, I thought it was just because she wanted a better house. Actually it was so she could see her boyfriends more. She left me for a man from Texas, She met him on the internet, and she went down there quite a few times, she like to stop by and tell me how much better a man he was than I, He dumped her when our divorce was final. I never so much as raised my voice to her, never called her names, or used foul language around her, but she told the all the people she knew, that I had beaten her, and had kicked her out for another woman. So I quit going home, I met a woman from Rice Lake, who was even more screwed up than I was, and I thought I could help, So I sold my house, and moved in with her. Something I am not proud of, but it was a really nice getting to be around her kids, it turns out, that they did need me, I was there for them during a a difficult time, and even though the relationship with their mother, as screwed up as it was, with her crying in a room about her divorce for days on end, someone needed to be there to take care of the kids, and I am glad it was me, I will always love those kids, They mean alot to me. Even their father thanked me fro being there for them, He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to his family, I was a better father than he was, and if not for me, he would have had to have had the kids taken away from their mother as she was not able to take care of them herself. In september of 06, I stopped in finally to tlak to Mike, and after not seeing him for more than 4 years, he told me exactly what I needed to hear, called me a hippocrate, and I was. So I had a long talk with Tara, and moved in to the basement, after a few really awkward months, she asked me to move out, as I had just filed bankruptcy the day before, it was very difficult being homeless, I slept in my car for a week, then started living in a hotel. after a month, I rented this really crappy apartment I live in now. It took me almost 5 years to get over killing those people, and if I would have had the courage to talk to somebody about it right away, it never would have been a problem, but I let depression take control of my life, kept it all inside, turned away from my family and friends. My friends Dan and Echoe would ask me what was wrong, they thought I must have fried my brain when I was so sick, Echoe would just cry and ask me why I kept putting myself through this hell, I would tell her I didn't know. I can never repay those who love me for putting up with me for those years, although I take full responsibility for my actions, and decisions, I am sure glad I am saved, and am a moral person, as I could have been long gone, down a dark road. So since I just poured out the highlights of a low time for me, I think I will go driving around, and maybe see if any of my friends need any help with anything today. Good day...

Her Shadow Part II

Waking long before the sun, I reach for her, though the faint scent of her hair still lingers, she is not there. I look toward the door, and see her standing there, with the nightlight behind her, She runs her finger's through her hair, but in the shadow of the darkness, It's still sticking out everywhere. Getting dressed in the dark and checking on the kids, I hear movement around the house, little signs as to where she is. Putting on my boot's at the door, I feel her behind me, I turn and reach toward her face, fingers touch so gently, with a tender kiss goodbye, and a promise to come in for lunch today, I walk across the silent barnyard. Stopping to check the cattle, I realize again, that even though together we are, and for many years have been. That this morning once again, all I got to see of her was her shadow. As I start the morning chores on auto pilot, I think about all the times I have seen her shadow. Her shadow, waking me in the dark, to tell me it was time when Laura was born. Her shadow, outlined by the moon as we drove home after visiting her family. Her shadow, standing by the window as we worked out a problem, outlined by the new morning sun. Her shadow, as we danced in the moonlight on our honeymoon. Her shadow, as I saw her for the first time. Her shadow, just out of reach all those years I wandered, trying it out on my own. Her shadow, in my mind as I thought through my life. Yes, it is her shadow, that even after all these years, I see beside me, this shadow who knows, all of me.

What a day

This day of rest, upon which there is so much unrest, frozen snowflakes fall slowly to the ground, like tears afraid to fall. I watch people headed hither and yon, head back to my own little place to think, give people space, I find it interesting to watch people, how they react to different things, If they do more than talk of what they believe, or do they live it. I find myself thinking about a message I heard many years ago from Richard Jordan. Rick said, if you want to have certain things in your life, goals, Dreams you work toward, whether they be for your personal life, work, love, family, all these things are things you live towards from the get-go. If you would like someday to have a better house, don't expect it to fall out of the sky upon you, Save money, work smart, buy smart. He said preparing your heart for different situations is very important, and I believe that to be very true, not just preparing your heart, but living your live for something. While we are God's children, and members of the church, we are also free moral agents, given the choice to live as we choose. In doing so, we must live toward what we want today, if we really want it tomorrow. You can't expect to live your life running around like a chicken with your head cut off, and then one day just expect to change because of meeting someone, or getting a different job, we live toward what we want, and in due time, we find it. I am a believer in meaning what you say, I don't really talk about it much, but when I say something wrong it bothers me. One old girlfriend told me, that she had never heard me say anything I didn't mean, and when I had nothing to say about a situation, it usually meant I did not agree with it, and as she knew me pretty well, I kind of think she may have been right. I find I am remembered for what I say as much as for what I don't say, not just in conversations of silence, but in that I will not be included in a conversation I find highly distasteful. When I hear words being spoken around women, that should never be spoken around women, I look away, of look down. My father would get up and leave. If I swore in front of my Mother, or said certain words, I would be asked to leave, and not come back, simple as that. As many things that my parents did, that I don't agree with, they would not allow bad language at home, or certain subjects to be spoken of. I find myself migrating away from people who would act this way, no matter how hard I try, it just rubs me the wrong way, it is a bad testimony. When the guys at work speak of diststeful subjects, I won't partake in the conversation, That is what sets us apart as Christians, from everybody else, We live in this world, not of it. I am a firm believer in this. I know, even though some of the guys might pick on me about it, Call me preacher, of bible boy, They respect me, and that is something That others see. While I may be filthy, tired, and sore, at the end of the day, I earned my wage, and the other men respect me, most of the office appreciates me, and respects my abilities in certain aspects of my job. They also know, that I will go to the bar with them, have a drink, and talk, but I won't talk nasty, I won't be talking down to the women bartenders, and they know who to talk to when they are having problems. It is something I enjoy about my job. It really is troublesome to me to hear things spoken in the presence of women, not only as a single guy, you never who might be your wife someday. I look at it this way, I have no idea who my wife may be someday, and I would never want her to hear talk like that, If I am standing at a bar, and talking to guys from work, What if that bartender shows up at church the next day, Do I really want, what could be the future mother of my children to have to hear nasty, foul things spoken. I think not. This is not an issue of law or grace, but of respect and class.

A mountain morning

As the dew of the morning melts into the grass, the sun clears the peaks of the mountain, into the darkness, the night things and creatures of hunger run to hide from the day. As the sun slowly lights the hidden valleys of the foothills, a herd of wild horses, led by an old stallion, creep out to water a steaming creek, just below a short falls, With the soft gurgling of horses drinking, and the crackles of the creek, you slowly creep toward the edge of the valley, So ofetn have you heard the footfalls of the majestic wild stallion, but seeing it with your own eye's is breathtaking. The young colts, being lst to drink, frolic in the near meadow as the older horses start to graze in a protective semi-circle, No noise, no scent, but somehow, the stallion knows you are there, his ears park toward you, and with a quick whinnie, the herd is gone, Was it ever really there?

A short History Part 8

In December of 1984 we moved to the Kolowitz farm north of New Auburn, After getting moved in, I immediately went across the road to see the farm. Tim and Judy Kolowitz milked 48 cows in a head-in Stanchion barn, They have 3 sons, Ray, Paul, and Tubber. After starting to take over the feeding responsibilities after school, I realized that since I was too small to push a full feed cart, I had to use wheelbarrows, so one per cow was enough haylage, and I could push the grain cart, if I didn't shovel it too full. Tim was a very hard worker, and Judy was a terrribly mean woman, she didn't care if I was her son or not, if they were getting beat, so was I, I was with them when they deserved it. Upon my first day of School, they gave me a bunch of skills tests, to decide where to place me, since my age meant 2nd grade. After testing, they place me in 4th grade for reading, math, and science. It may have been awkward as many of the 4th graders were bigger than me, But Ray kolowitz was in that class, and the teacher, Mrs. Anderson"who is now the principal of Bloomer High School", was and extraordinary person. She didn't treat me as a child, and pushed me to work harder than the other kids. I was very much impressed with the New Auburn School, The stressed Education, all parts of it, They were teaching us to read music in 2nd grade, and we spent 5 hours a week playing an instrument.
All the Kolowitz men now work for Skaw concrete in New Auburn, Ray is married to a nice girl from Chetek, Paul Married my friend Wendy, and Tubber is still single and mean as ever. Tim and Judy got divorced in 1988. One night in sept. of 85, as I was feeding, Tim got mad at a cow for kicking him, and while Judy laughed at him for getting kicked, Tim beat that cow to death, finishing it off with a pitchfork, Surprisingly enough, a nasty tornado touched down that night, and took the barn, the shed, and the roof and windows off the house. "lesson learned, be nice to cows, they have friends". When we started school again that fall, I was in third grade, with Mrs. Kramschuster, "She was a very nice lady, her husband was killed in a terrible hunting accident in 2001, and she still teaches." they put me in 5th grade reading, but still in 4th for science and math. Also in third grade, I set the school record for the 40 and 100 yard dash, Having an older brother has it's perks. It was odd working for the Kolowitz's as I never did any fieldwork for them, and I had been doing so much the previous 3 years.

In October of 1985 we moved to a house just north of Colfax, it was the heifer farm of Glen and Pam Paulus, they have 5 kids, Dawn, Grant, Beth, Kari, and Lisa. The Paulus' milked 65 cows in a head-in Tie stall barn. to be continued...

Unsick

Finally, After weeks and weeks, and weeks and weeks, and weeks and weeks. Well, it semed like that long at least, I am feeling better. Having taken the advice of a few friends, one, drink lots of water, Two, Drink whiskey. Between the two of them, I seem to have healed what was ailing me. I do believe it was the whiskey, yesterday, I had a shot before work, and a few last night after I got back to Black River, An Whalla, I am healthy as a newborn goat, Kicking and running around, just looking for something to bite or trouble to get into, Well, that is what the goat would do at least, I am a little more low-key. So as I get ready for work, go back to standing in the rain I am sure, being belittled by a large man with an even larger head, I am feeling good, I had a nice study last night, I think this morning before work I will start to get my notes ready on a message on depression, I know Mike and I have talked before about stuff to teach, but I really would only prefer to talk about stuff I know about, not only what I have studied, but what I have lived, I think any other way would be hippocritical, so these are the things I will work on. So good day to all my wonderful friends, and I am sure strangers, and of course the odd weirdo who may read this, as I hope all do, I write to talk to myself, and to others, as this is the way I think, I don't ever talk at work, and rarely converse during the week at all. I was told yesterday, by the afforementioned big head, That even though my opionions may be correct, and others may care what I have to say, on his projects, i am not paid to have an opinion, just keep my mouth shut and do as I am told, he likes me he also said, said i am one of his favorite employees, and considers me a friend, but in his words, well, i had better not repeat his words, lets just say, I am his personal slave when he chooses, and as he told all the guys this, al lI could think was, It is a good paycheck, and put it in a cowfund, just save the money, and part ways in time, as I worked in the office later in the day, where I am respected and my opinion weighed with the knowledge of years of experience, it is very refreshing. There are just some days where you wish you could be a little kid and yell, DO-OVER, but alas you can not, and what would I change anyway, nothing really, so onward and upward my friend, and as Paul Harvey says, "Good Day"

Me

For many years I have been accused of not letting anything out, I wrote all the time, and shared my thoughts with a paper and pen, but kept them all inside, I realize now that because of that, I have very few people to turn to for guidance, My parents hardly know me, so I am now trying to include them more in my life, let them get to know me, but as far as guidance is concerned, though I tell them what is going on, I can't really go by their direction very much. The few friends I do have, who really know me, well I moved away from them and now we must talk on the phone from time to time, So I find the only place other than prayer for me to talk is once again the paper and pen, So I write what I think and feel, as I meet new people, all over the place, I include them in what I write, the wealthy fools I work for, the people I work with, the wonderful people at church, my great friends who are getting to know me. The special people I know who i now turn to for guidance, as they get to know me, So as we get to know each other, I find myself leaning on them pretty hard, and when I have a question about something, I guess I get a little impatient, It seems the people who I respect the most I tend to annoy with questions too often. I have spent so much of my life trying to avoid talking to others about things that bother me, that I have become an obsessive worker, run everywhere, Go, Go, GO. When I am not working, I really enjoy relaxing, just sitting, watching the sun. There were many years of my life I was afraid to talk about things, just plain scared to make any noise, getting over that, was like being reborn, it opened up a whole new world for me. Just as I was learning to talk and communicate better with other's, I was lucky. To Be continued...

April Fool

On this day of April fools

I find I am chief amongst them

not in the way I jest

not in the way I am blessed

but in how I see

so many things I think I see

so many not really there

I look around and realize

The greater fool am I

I take bakc not the things I see

and not what I have written

but I hold close my heart today

and tremble at it's power

I know not the decisions made

are foolish in this hour

but time will tell as it always does

if in time her heart will sour.