In case you were wondering

Rained out from work, I figured why not more useless information. Most of my life, I have been a moral, upstanding citizen, Saved at a young age, I have lived a pretty easy life. In the summer of 2001 within a 2 week period, through events of which I was not to be at fault in, I killed 6 people, Driving is a dangerous thing. These deathes put a pretty big cloud over my head, I tried to bring it my burden to church, but with the influx of so many new people at that time, and the wheat still being seperated from the chaff, It was a difficult time to get time with the elder's. So getting more and more depressed, I left the church and started going to a renegade lutheran church, Though through much discussion with it's pastor, who now has a clear understanding of grace. I found not an ear to trust. I drifted deeper, I drove 85000 miles in 4 months, worked until I was sick, lost weight, alot of weight. I began to be afraid of being alone, so on the way home one night, I stopped into a gas station in town, and there happened to be a single girl there. A hometown girl, one who knew everybody, so I asked her out. She gave me her already written down phone number which she kept ready for just such occasions. Although still working very hard, I was getting very sick, I was starting to get dizzy, nausea all the time, and a killer headache. I was pretty sure I was dying. She started talking about marriage, and I thought, She doesn't want to have kids, So whose life would I be wrecking, Mine wasn't worth much at the time, so why not, So we got engaged. The hallucinations started getting really bad, as my body started shutting down, I took a vacation to relax. I was so ill, and my fiance' was such a miserable person as a companion on a trip, that I drove the whole vacation as if in a marathon, 3 days to the redwoods, and then straight to Seattle, and back home. It was all I could stand of her, the last day, I drove home from Laurel, Montana, Straight through. Back to work, I probably would have died at work, but my Uncle Dick died, and I came home for a few days, his death probably kept me alive. When I eventually gave up, I was in Detroit, and it took me a whole day to drive to Gary IN., Then another whole day to get to Madison, after 3 days, I pulled into my driveway, and fell out of the truck. I probably would have died on the ground in the driveway, but since Amanda hadn't heard from me in a few days, she came over to see if I was home, after nearly running me over, she rushed me to the ER, the convulsions and throwing up was so bad, I couldn't see very well, she got lost on the way to the hospital, and it took us 2 hours to get to Luther. I was so sick, they couldn't tell what was wrong with me, so they gave me apinkillers and sent me home. Then next day, my veins were starting to itch so badly from the toxins in my blood, that I was uncontrollably scratching my legs on things, even in my sleep. Amanda stayed with me to watch me, that night, at the ER again, they did a spinal tap to see if I had severe menangitis, negative, so a new painkiller, and back home again. The next day, in urgent care at a new hospital, The doctor just looked at me and said, you have mono, and so I did. After taking half the time off I was told too, I started milking cows at a farm a few mile from home, Just 50 hours a week to start, so it wasn't bad. Amanda moved in one day while I was at work, her mom helped her, though I was unhappy about it, I didn't say anything. After starting to work constuction in the cities, and working closer to 80 hours again, I started to find my rythm, but the big problem was what do I do with this woman I was engaged to. So I just let it go on, and in november of 2004 we got married, boy that was pleasant day, with her off getting drunk with her friends, it was nice to see my family though, She hadn't sent out the invitation to my friends, so none of them got invited. She had a few mental isssues, let's just say, she would lock herself in a room and cry for days, not the most pleasant situation, but I was always trying to be a good husband, I did most of the housework, and worked alot, I started working closer to home, so I was able to pick-up night and weekend work too. She was always trying to get me to work more, I thought it was just because she wanted a better house. Actually it was so she could see her boyfriends more. She left me for a man from Texas, She met him on the internet, and she went down there quite a few times, she like to stop by and tell me how much better a man he was than I, He dumped her when our divorce was final. I never so much as raised my voice to her, never called her names, or used foul language around her, but she told the all the people she knew, that I had beaten her, and had kicked her out for another woman. So I quit going home, I met a woman from Rice Lake, who was even more screwed up than I was, and I thought I could help, So I sold my house, and moved in with her. Something I am not proud of, but it was a really nice getting to be around her kids, it turns out, that they did need me, I was there for them during a a difficult time, and even though the relationship with their mother, as screwed up as it was, with her crying in a room about her divorce for days on end, someone needed to be there to take care of the kids, and I am glad it was me, I will always love those kids, They mean alot to me. Even their father thanked me fro being there for them, He said that I was the best thing that ever happened to his family, I was a better father than he was, and if not for me, he would have had to have had the kids taken away from their mother as she was not able to take care of them herself. In september of 06, I stopped in finally to tlak to Mike, and after not seeing him for more than 4 years, he told me exactly what I needed to hear, called me a hippocrate, and I was. So I had a long talk with Tara, and moved in to the basement, after a few really awkward months, she asked me to move out, as I had just filed bankruptcy the day before, it was very difficult being homeless, I slept in my car for a week, then started living in a hotel. after a month, I rented this really crappy apartment I live in now. It took me almost 5 years to get over killing those people, and if I would have had the courage to talk to somebody about it right away, it never would have been a problem, but I let depression take control of my life, kept it all inside, turned away from my family and friends. My friends Dan and Echoe would ask me what was wrong, they thought I must have fried my brain when I was so sick, Echoe would just cry and ask me why I kept putting myself through this hell, I would tell her I didn't know. I can never repay those who love me for putting up with me for those years, although I take full responsibility for my actions, and decisions, I am sure glad I am saved, and am a moral person, as I could have been long gone, down a dark road. So since I just poured out the highlights of a low time for me, I think I will go driving around, and maybe see if any of my friends need any help with anything today. Good day...